Night sweats and Flashbacks
by wellisandra
Summary: "She's glad that she's finally out of that back-stabbing madhouse. Selina's madhouse. And she's definitely not lying to herself." Takes place during and after 4x06 up till the finale, although there's no real spoiler in it. One-sided Amy/Selina; Amy/Dan


There are a few things Amy Brookheimer knows for sure. One of them is that it's not out of goodwill that Dan is willing to help her get a job, even after Mike's stupid press release.

She also knows that _she_ should be running that campaign and not stupid Kent. Not like she wants to or anything. She is _definitely_ happy that now she doesn't have to listen to Selina all day. Although she doesn't switch to a different channel when she catches a report about the Meyer/James campaign trail.

She sees how Tom James is stealing the spotlight which Selina definitely hates. And she's happy she doesn't have to deal with Selina throwing a fit about it.

It's a slap in the face that now when she's gone Selina is doing all the things she suggested ages ago. Although it kind of proves that she should be there _on her side_ instead of going to stupid parties and spas. And it also proves that Selina hadn't _completely_ forgotten about her which definitely _should not_ feel like a consolation to her. And anyway it's not like she's considering she's made a mistake. Because she hasn't. She's still too angry for that. Nevertheless, it'll take her some time to get Selina out of her system. Not that she'd ever actually admit it.

When she gets Dan's desk and parking place she finally feels like she's back. And she's positively _not_ thinking about how she could fix the campaign's obvious blunder with the hurricane. It's the furthest thing from her mind. _(No, it's not.)_

Much later when it's Election Day she doesn't know why she's making the choice she's making. It's definitely not because of loyalty or anything sappy like that. Maybe it's because she's still picking the lesser evil. Yeah, let's go with that one––at least that hurts her pride less. (And also because she _knows_ that under all that layers of narcissism and hunger for power Selina does come from a place where she actually wants to do good for the country and she's not actually incompetent at it even if that was what her parting words to Selina were––though now she wouldn't admit that, _not ever_.)

Later that night when she's at a party with Dan and watches Selina on the screen as she wins the election she wants to go to scream into the night again. It's not the win per se, it's watching Kent's smug smile and watching Selina excitedly hugging him. It's been months since she thought about how _she should be_ the one standing next to Selina if she wins and now it makes her brain all messed up again.

Perhaps Mike was right in that press release, she _does have_ some sort of a mental problem. She feels like an alcoholic who is in a room full of booze, chained to a chair where she can't drink anything and all she can do is watch others do the drinking. Except that she was the one who chained herself to that chair _because_ her drug is Selina. Because that's what Selina is: an addiction, she'll _never_ be able to fully get rid of.

But when she watches that screen _all_ she can really think about is that how this is one of those rare moments when Selina is not doing her fake smile or fake laugh on camera. It's fucked up because she knows Selina hadn't really given her any second thoughts except maybe when she went ahead using _her ideas_ for the campaign.

It's her own fault though. She was the one who decided to spend ten years of her life beside Selina and giving everything she could to her while relishing the moments when she felt that she was one of those few people Selina _trusted_. If she was willing to think about it she'd know that she isn't any better than Gary who tolerates any and every abuse coming from Selina as long as he can be close to her and once in a while have her approval. But this is a fact she buries deep in her mind because if she were to face this she'd definitely have to be locked up in a mental hospital.

But she's not Gary. She actually can function without Selina ( _if_ she's focusing hard enough) and she's already made more money since she left Selina than in the last four years altogether.

Still, she feels like suffocating while watching the screen so she storms out without anyone really paying attention to her. She goes to the ladies' room and the first thing she does is punching the closest mirror she finds as hard as she can. As she watches the blood drip from her knuckles she finally feels nothing. She slowly slides down on the door of the stall behind her and closes her eyes.

Five minutes later Dan comes in, gloating of course––until he sees the broken mirror and her bloody knuckles. He sits next to her and silently offers a tissue to clean up the blood. It's a weird moment because she knows he understands her feelings about Selina and at the same time he doesn't _really_ because even _she_ can't figure out whether she wants to punch Selina in the face, repeatedly or have her fuck her.

 _All_ her impulses are telling her to crawl back to Selina begging so what she decides to do is throwing herself at Dan. That way she can finally release all that pent up energy she kept bottled up and get both Selina and Dan out of her system, even for a few minutes. She briefly considers the danger of giving him leverage over her for later use but at that moment she knows this option is still better than going back to Selina and face certain rejection and even more loss of pride.

It's messy––even messier than usual as one of her knuckles is still bleeding and they're on a bathroom floor––and it's quickly over for her but she doesn't mind it. Dan's chest, on the other hand, is full of angry red scratches, his hair is tousled––both of which is her fault but scratching and pulling was all she could do when instead of the expected bliss every time she closed her eyes Selina's and Dan's faces alternated in her mind.

The smug smile on Dan's face tells her that she is definitely going to regret this moment of weakness, but right now all that matters is that she _finally_ doesn't feel the need to crawl back to Selina.

Fuck her.

Fuck Selina.

Fuck finally elected President of the United States Selina Meyer.


End file.
